Within US

I haven’t been smiling this big lately. I’ve actually shed a lot of tears recently and probably had a down look on my face. If you know me, you know that I do smile quite often and almost all the time it is genuine.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that if i’m not smiling I am sometimes asked “are you ok? what’s wrong?” Or no one asks and stays clear of me because my natural / relaxed face seemingly looks quite upset (I'm learning to love this about myself) some may even call it ‘resting bitch face’, so I don’t get approached at all. I don’t feel like I hide behind a smile. Although I do feel some times it doesn’t feel as natural. I’m not angry or really even upset. Some days I am simply just feeling exhaustion. Some days deep, deep sadness. I’ll revisit this.

The last few months, and really this overall year, has had a theme to it. While still being in it, it’s hard to tell exactly what’s happening as the meaning of things usually reveals itself later on. Right now, what I can sense though, is it is all largely teaching to let go. I know, I know… that’s a pretty common phrase and overused (in my humble opinion) but in this moment, that is the simplest way to put it.

I’ve found myself standing up to people that I usually wouldn’t, I’d usually put my head down and agree, or incessantly say ‘i’m sorry’ til the confrontation dissolves; thats what kept me safe in the past something that once protected us then can harm us.  I’ve taken more steps back to listen to the subtlety of what I need in a moment and instead of overriding this intuitive nudge, I awkwardly attempt to communicate thru it. I’ve made decisions that I wouldn’t usually make. Some of them being big mistakes and having to learn a deeper layer of accountability. I’ve spoken more of my truth, with myself and with others, and seeing that sometimes truth isn’t rainbows and roses. And all at the same time it is all of it. Equally as beautiful as it is ugly. I’ve allowed myself to be more honest knowing the risk of being this vulnerable. With vulnerability always comes the unpredictability of polarity: love or rejection, deeper trust or more isolation, understanding or judgment, leaning in or pushing away. It’s rare to interact with an individual, much less a community, that is able to hold space in between the polarity as well as the opposing sides themselves. We have a difficult time to say “I don’t agree with you but I care about you and want to learn and possibly understand more.” We often default to pretending, pushing away, blaming or ignoring. We may think or say ‘that’s none of my business.’ And at times, that is very true. But we make it our business yet hide behind that deflection.

We are involved in a profound amount of programming and conditioning. So much so, that we often times can’t see the depth that it is with us, or we are with it, because it’s so normalized and a big part of who we are. It’s what shapes us, it’s what we go off of to try to relate and try to connect. On a global level all the way down to the family unit. We also have layers upon layers of dysregulation in our physiology from again, a global influence all the way down to our familial structure (or lack thereof). Some of us grew up with 2 parents that loved us very much and were supportive. Some of us grew up in addiction or abusive homes. Some of us raised ourselves because there was no adult there to do that for us. Of course theres way more in which we were/are evolved in and with.

We are in a time where we are trying to heal ourselves. We go to yoga, meditate, eat organic food, journal, use natural products, talk with therapists / coaches, set boundaries, self care routines, plant medicines, getting more sober, read self help books, go on retreat, the list goes on. We are also overwhelmed and overstimulated.  We smoke, drink alcohol, take drugs, consume loads of sugar, over caffeinate, scroll for many many minutes with our thumbs, inject our face with toxins, spend money unnecessarily, mask with medications, this list goes on too.

We may bypass using spirituality or we may try to numb because were sensitive and it is all just too much. Depression is climbing, suicide is common, illness is rampant, menstrual cycles are erratic. We’re falling either more asleep or in the blissful wreckage of waking up.

To be honest, I don’t care what you’re doing. Whether your’e meditating 2 hours a day or smoking a pack of cigs a day. (Although smoking does limit us to connect deeper to ourselves :))

Ill tell you what I do care about:

1. how you treat yourself 2. how you treat others. Why are we so quick to compliment someones outfit but we hesitate to say ‘I appreciate how intentional you are’ to someone we are just deepening a friendship with? Why do we ask other people about someones life instead of directly asking the person ourselves?

I said earlier I was exhausted? And would revisit that? This is why…

Being such an empathic person it naturally comes with being very very in tune. You feel…

A LOT. You sometimes can feel so much that you can decipher what is your own and what isn’t. You don’t necessarily have to be empathic to experience this. Because guess what? Yes! We, indeed, are all connected. What you feel, I feel. What you think, I think. What darkness you carry is also a darkness I carry. What light you shine, is also a brightness within me. And the more we become connected to ourselves the more we see how similar we all really are. We see how we actually, even though it may feel like it, are not alone. We feel a part of something bigger even though we may experience rejection from others. We can see that the judgement we are experiencing from others and how they perceive us or what their opinion on what we should with our lives and relationships is really coming from a place of judgment to themselves of neglecting their own integrity in their lives and relationships.

Because ultimately, what we deny in others is what we are denying in ourselves.

You may be thinking ‘okay Jenna so why are you exhausted?’

I am exhausted because…. I can’t do this alone.

I feel like a child as I continue to learn thru this. As I mess up and try again. I hardly truly know what I’m doing. I feel like I am speaking on the behalf of more than just myself here…  I know I need help. I need this for you, for myself, and for others. I need support. We need support.

(I’m not necessarily asking for this directly to me because fortunately I have a few very dear people in my life that show up in massive ways and truly help me stay alive). Someone recently said these wise words to me: “Community is stepping in and showing up knowing that it is not about what you can get out of it or how it will benefit you.” So, what I need is for you to step up… with me. Why? Because we are naturally very social and connecting beings. We are not meant to go thru this experience feeling alone or that we can only trust maybe 1 or 2 people in our lives. We aren’t meant to ONLY feel safest with our pets or in nature or behind a screen or in solitude. We aren’t meant to let conditioning and programming and trauma define us. We are meant to do this thing we call life, together. To be honest. To speak our truth. To take a moment to identify what we need. To attempt communicating even if it comes out messy and far from perfect (because it takes practice). To learn true compassion. To extend a hand or a hug instead of turning a blind eye. To be courageous. To release judgements. To step out of ignorance. To notice when comfort is killing us. To smile and say hello to a stranger. To listen more. To speak less. To acknowledge that death is a part of this process. To be curious. To give and see and honor yourself so you can give and see and honor others. To open your mind. To love with your heart. To love with your whole being.

We make all of this so damn complicated. When actually, it is quite simple.

Please help me keep it simple. I can’t do this alone.